If You're Reading This...

....then I haven't gotten home yet. It was my birthday this week, so naturally I'm spending my Friday night in the city at a bar or bars with a friend or friends. If you're not reading this, then my plans fell through, I came home in time to watch Smallville, and I got to my blog before this message automatically posted. And in that case, I don't even know why the preceding sentence would be necessary. So hopefully, you are reading this, and I'm enjoying some long-overdue revelry. Maybe I made some new lady friends, or put way too many quarters in a jukebox. Perhaps there was some dancing in the street, although I haven't touched vodka since the one time that happened. Maybe I don't know where I am, or where I've been, or where I'm going. Taxi! Hopefully I made my train connections safely, and hopefully I drank responsibly and didn't get behind the wheel of a car if I wasn't sober yet. I'm quite confident that I wouldn't. In any case, even the geekiest of geeks(::waves::) has to unwind and party some time, and it might be another year before I do this again. I'm not getting any younger.

Finally, I apologize in advance to any friends I might have drunk dialed, either directly or indirectly by handing my phone off to a drunk friend. Not that I've ever done that....

Stat Counting

I've been on this planet for slightly over 35 years.

I've slept in the same room for all but 33 days of those 35 years.

I've been fall-down, out-of-my-mind drunk 3 times in my life.

I've traveled to 0 countries outside the United States.

I've been in 7 states.

I've had precisely 7 near-death experiences that I'm certain of, and countless other near-misses that were either not as bad as or worse than I realized.

I've been struck by another vehicle 4 times in my life. Twice I was rear-ended, once I was in the passenger side as my dad was driving and a minivan struck the right rear quarter panel, spinning us 180°, and once I was on foot when a friend backed into me with her SUV. 2 of these incidents factor into my near-death statistic.

The most cats we've ever owned at one time was 4. We've never had fewer than 2.

I must have attempted breakdancing at least 20 times in elementary school. I was successful 0 times.

The longest relationship I've ever maintained has been 2.5 years. If being a creepy guy making eye contact with a girl on a subway train could be considered a relationship, I could measure the shortest one in seconds.

I have rated 2,280 DVDs on Netflix, although these ratings include television shows and films I've seen in the theater.

I've been working full-time since 1996 and I can't remember ever taking more than 1 vacation day at a time.

I've had 2 surgeries in my life, one to remove a portion of my intestines, with my appendix removed as a bonus, and another time to remove all of my wisdom teeth.

333 is a number I come across a lot in my life, whether seeing it on an address or looking down at the treadmill at the exact moment those numbers align. It is something that was passed on to me, and I've yet to discern any meaning in it.

I have 4 first cousins and 0 siblings. I am 8 years younger than the youngest of my cousins.

I own and have read well over 4,000 comic books, concentrated on a period of 8 years in high school and college when I was actively collecting on a weekly basis. The number of actual novels I've read is significantly lower, likely less than 100.

This is post 1,857. The number of posts with significant content as opposed to say, this one, is significantly less....

Just Beginning

I'm an optimist in spite of the things that have happened to me, and a pessimist because of them. If that sounds complex, imagine what it's like inside my brain. Bad things happen, as they do in life, but I keep going. But I also expect bad things and have a tainted view of myself. I don't think any of us can really see ourselves. Just as a mirror reverses everything, so too can we misperceive the way others see us.

I generally still think of myself as the annoying little nerd with the squeaky voice rambling on about Transformers. And at my very core, that will always be a part of who I am. But I've built around and added to that core over the years, and not everyone outside my brain sees the me that I see. My mom always used to say, “to have friends, you need to be a friend”, which seemed cryptic when I was in single digits. And someone once said something to the effect that in order to be loved, we must first love ourselves. I'm having trouble finding the correct attribution for that one; does anyone know who said it? In any case, I suspect on some levels I don't like myself, which is why I'd be surprised if anyone else did.

I expected a lot of things to go wrong on Wednesday. When I crossed a bridge under perpetual construction, I thought it would finally be the day I'd find myself unable to remain in my narrow lane, and I'd scrape the concrete wall. At lunch, I thought the waves kicked up by a passing boat might shake the pier I was on and topple it, and I'd drown. Waiting to cross the street as cars ran a red light, I imagined stepping out too soon and getting splattered. A brief sharp pain near the site of old surgery was an odd thing to feel again after so many years; I wondered if that was some ominous foreshadowing of problems yet to come. And when I walked out of the gym at night, and noticed guys were working on the corrugated metal security door above the entrance, I imagined the gears snapping and the door crashing down on me in a fit of improbable probability.

But none of these things happened. I survived the day without incident. When I got to my office, two of my coworkers surprised me with cupcakes and Kit Kats, and serenaded me with ”Happy Birthday”. It set the tone for the whole day, so even though I envisioned a lot of terrible things happening to me at various points, I never actually believed that they would. A lot of friends sent me messages throughout the day, an easy enough thing to do in the digital age where computers remind us, but it still meant something to me. My mom made me steak, and I enjoyed ice cream cake with my parents after dinner. I survived 35 years on this planet, and a lot of people seemed to be happy about it, which was good enough for me. I’m still in this thing.

I spend time looking at what people have achieved by my age, what people younger than me have achieved. Once again, I find I need to remind that pessimist wrapped around an optimist wrapped around a pessimist wrapped around Optimus Prime to consider the word “yet” over the word “never”. I don't have the benefit of a FlashForward to tell me what I'm going to accomplish, what good things I might have to anticipate. But I am realizing that, while 35 years of my life are over, 35 or more are only just beginning.

Still, it won't hurt to look both ways twice before crossing the street.

PBW: Tropic Drizzle

Most days, roughly between 12:30 and 1:30, I’ve been taking a mini-vacation at a redesigned coastal paradise. I’m not far from setting up a sleeping bag and some supplies and just moving in to the new dock on the waterfront near my job. I could shower at the gym and my commute would be reduced to 10 minutes, on foot no less. Of course, when I did decide to bring a camera and get some shots of the newly renovated shore, the weather was less than cooperative. Even on a cloudy, drizzly day at high tide, I like the shots I got for this week’s Photo Blog Wednesday, but I’ll definitely do this again on a sunny day. I might even take pictures there when it snows.

Leaf Alone

I've developed sort of a selfish habit of not telling my dad when I'm taking a vacation day, because he usually will make plans for me, whether it's repairing one of our cars, climbing up a ladder to clean the gutters, or trimming the hedges and lawn over at his lot. Mind you, these are all things I should be helping the old man with anyway, without being asked, but if I'm going to take a day off from my regular job and I don't have a band gig that day, I usually want to spend it doing my own thing. I might not be the type of person who travels or takes long vacations, but we all still need a day here and there to recharge.

Last week, I'd actually told him I was taking Monday off. He got a call from old music teacher's widow about a problem with her car, and I offered to help. It was something he was able to resolve over the phone, but a key component of our conversation was that I was taking a vacation day this week. Out of habit, I didn't remind him, so I shouldn't have been surprised when he turned on my light and started “yelling” at me to ask if I was going to work or not. Half awake, I mumbled an answer a few times before I finally raised my voice enough for him to hear me. I really need to press the hearing aid argument.

He turned the light out, and I lay in bed for another half hour, without any success in getting back to sleep. I began to plan my day. Maybe I'd go out for breakfast, and get in some photography while it was still light out. Maybe I'd catch a movie; there's nothing like having an entire theater to oneself on a weekday in Autumn. Then I heard some scraping noises, and looked out the window to see this little old man raking leaves out in the street, no small task. We live near woods, and it has been windy, and our yard has been absolutely covered. So, after a quick bowl of cereal, I dashed out to help.

He initially told me to go back inside and enjoy my day off, but quickly caved when he saw I wasn't going anywhere. The leaves were falling almost as fast as we could scoop them up, but in the end we could at least see the majority of our lawn and driveway. And unlike some of our bigger problems like car repair, the job took less than an hour with no unexpected complications. So, after jumping in the shower, my camera and I were soon on our way. With any luck, I'd get some pictures taken and still make a matinee of the latest Saw. As the first droplets of water hit my windshield on what started as a sunny day, I began to question why I even tried to do anything in my life.

But I persisted; I was headed to the new dock near my job where I've been enjoying lunch lately, and it wasn't that far of a drive. The radio claimed sprinkles would give way to sun, which they didn't for a few hours, but it did let up enough for me to get some cloudy pictures. At least it's a place I frequent, so I can bring my camera on a brighter day. I made it to my movie, and satisfied a sudden craving for overpriced theater nachos. As the weather gets cooler, I'm starting to consider putting some weight back on for warmth, aesthetics be damned. Maybe I should just wear a heavier coat. After the film, it was sunny outside, and I considered taking more pictures. Instead, I went on a shoe run, since my current pair were getting pretty worn. I'd later discover a birthday discount for that particular store waiting for me at home in my junk mail pile. Whoops.

The biggest “whoops” of the day came when I opened this month's credit card statement, and grabbed my checkbook to pay it. I really should have paid attention to that “this is your last check time to order new ones” message when I used my last check last month. I don't write checks that often, and I think this particular batch lasted me almost 10 years, based on the literature I found in the now empty box that I thought would have more checkbooks in it. I went online and ordered new ones immediately, though it's a race to see if they'll get here before the deadline to pay my credit card bill, which I normally do immediately. This may be the incident that finally gets me to look into paying the bill online, and as I get more and more nervous in the coming days waiting for my new checks to arrive, I may yet break down and do that.

Other than the credit card crisis, Monday was the perfect day of rejuvenation and relaxation. I'm ready to face whatever the week has in store for me, and by next weekend I suspect that next batch of leaves won't be as bad as this initial one. It doesn't look like there's that many left on the trees, but I've been wrong before. Often, our greatest adversaries are the ones we don't see....

Phantasmic Links 11.2.09

I had a truly excellent Halloween this year! I watched several bad movies and one decent one at a friend's party, which may or may not make next week's Wreviews if I remember them. I also played one of the worst video games to ever make it to a console, The Grudge for The Wii. It's set up like one of those Flash-based escape-the-room style free games that I sometimes post here, and the bulk of gameplay seemed to be walking around with a flashlight looking for batteries to keep it lit, and for keys to get to the next section. Occasionally, the ghost of the little boy would run by or the woman with the hair would appear to throttle you until you shook the remote. It was pretty weak, while the tequila shots I'd later have would be much stronger. Good times. I spent my Sunday recuperating before surfing for this week's PHANTASMIC LINKS:

(1) What happens if you don't give out good candy? You get egged! You get egged! You get egged! You get egged! I defy anyone not to be singing that hours after watching this video...

(2) Imagine waking up in a hospital, and thinking you're in Silent Hill?
Hat Tip: Rey.

(3) Super Mario Bros. Wii looks like it combines and enhances the best elements of its predecessors.

(4) Ahnuld is a Governator who knows how to send a message; you just have to know how to read it....
H.T.: B13.

(5) Drunk Ewoks go wild on The Today Show.

(6) Create your own logo in Googlefont!

(7) Why waste dead flies when you can incorporate them into your art?

(8) Meet Giuliano, a 4-year-old Italian future super hero. And now I'm mad at my mom all over again for never letting me lift weights as a child.
H.T.: B13.

(9) Why does every country in the world seem to have a different type of electrical plug? I'm filing this under my list of reasons not to travel outside my country...
H.T.: J-No.

(10) Is Keanu Reeves an immortal? It's a convincing argument, though you'd think he'd be a better actor by now....unless that's part of the act...
H.T.: B13.

Have a link to a game, movie, article, or anything else you think might be “phantasmic”? E-mail me and it just might appear in an upcoming PHANTASMIC LINKS!

WWW: Weekend Wrental Wreviews 15

Let's see what I saw this week for Weekend Wrental Wreviews in my 15th WWW:

1) Poltergeist II:
Is it a bad sequel? Not really. Is it a necessary sequel? I think so, considering that the first movie ended with the family running away, so the problem wasn't fully resolved. There's some humor introduced as the family lives a life without television sets, and oddly no one seems to acknowledge the absence of one of the daughters, as the actress who portrayed her had been murdered. Native American mysticism is introduced as Craig T. Nelson places his trust in a shaman, walking into fire or giving him his car. The evil is personified by a particularly creepy old preacher, and this villain is something of a saving grace in an otherwise forgettable film. Apparently, all the women in that family had psychic abilities which both attracted the evil spirits, and gave them something to fight back with. And I imagine for 1986, the trip to “The Other Side” was a lot more impressive.

2) Poltergeist III:
Is it a bad sequel? Oh, hell yeah. Is it a necessary sequel? Oh, hell no. Heather O'Rourke is back as Carol Anne, sent to live with her Uncle Evan Drake from Cheers and her Aunt Murphy's partner from Robocop presumably because none of the original cast wanted to return. She's going to a special school and seeing the worst therapist ever, who ends up resurrecting the evil preacher's spirit by forcing her to remember, then blaming any odd activity on the girl's “powers of suggestion”. Yeah, if I was a professional and saw reflections of things that weren't there or objects flew threw windows on their own, I'd think the little girl hypnotized me too. Idiot. The whole thing takes place in an apartment/office/shopping mall skyscraper in Chicago, and there actually are some cool things done with mirrors, puddles and other reflective surfaces as the gateway to the other side. Some of these concepts and effects partly make up for the bulk of the movie being people running around screaming “Carol AAAAAAAnnnne!” or the therapist being a complete d*ck about everything that's happening up until a young Lara Flynn Boyle pushes him down an elevator shaft. I'm not worried about posting a spoiler because if you haven't seen this 21-year-old bad movie, you don't need to. I'm just sorry both sequels came on opposite sides of the same DVD, so I had to rate the disc an average of 3 out of 5 stars overall. This one should really score much lower.

3) Observe and Report:
I have mixed feelings, because this isn't exactly what the trailers made it out to be. Sure, it's Seth Rogen playing another loser trying to get the girl, but it's much darker at times, almost but never fully committing to being a black comedy. It's like his The Cable Guy. Rogen's strength is that you like his character, but at times that's hard to do here, even after you find out he's on medication to control his outbursts. Why would anyone like this guy? Why would he like someone as self-centered and annoying as the character Anna Faris portrays? Why should Ray Liotta do anything to help this unbalanced individual get out of his mall security guard gig and become a real cop? You want to root for him because its Seth Rogen, but at times he ignores people he shouldn't and tries to win over people he really shouldn't. Ultimately, there is a character arc and a few points where he finally starts noticing things and making the right decisions, and you cheer for him. There's a great shocking moment that would have made the movie considerably better had it not been diluted seconds later, and I think that's the problem. The movie itself is bipolar, straddling the line between dark comedy and dumb comedy. From what I've heard, it's still better than 2009's other Mall Cop movie, but not by much. I may subject myself to that one eventually, but not any time soon.

4) No Good Deed:
This one was a slow burn worth seeing for Samuel L. Jackson's performance and Milla Jovovich's obligatory gratuitous nude scene, which honestly must be something in her contract. Stellan Skarsgård does his best to play the menacing mastermind behind a complex bank robbery, but at times comes off as a poor man's Gary Oldman. I blame part of that on the mustache. Adapted from a Dashiell Hammett story, the film opens and closes with Jackson's cop character playing the cello. In between, his search for a runaway girl leads him to Skarsgård's eclectic gang, which includes Jovovich, a psychopath, and a foul-mouthed old couple. A dangerous psychological game ensues once the cop is captured and the femme fatale is left to watch over him. Most of the film relies on dialogue, with Jackson standing out among the others, who all seem to be doing a stilted reading of a play. It definitely picks up momentum in the third act, with some tense scenes and clever moves. I don't remember the movie being in theaters, and probably wasn't for long, but it's a decent rental on a slow night.

More reviews to follow next week after I've spun a few more discs!